Adam, the Blog

Oh, the things that go on inside this head.
Aug 08
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So, I was listening to the newly-released album by an ambient favorite of mine, Loscil. It’s called “Endless Falls,” and it’s one of those ambient albums that should be listened to loudly, to get lost in all the little intricacies of Scott Morgan’s organitronic melodies. The album, as a whole, is really good. Morgan takes some ambience from the real world and morphs it into his own world of rainy-day meditation. As the album was coming to a close, the last track took me by surprise. I was deeply absorbed in the album’s atmosphere when a voice started speaking to me on top of the song. I hadn’t heard this kind of monologue in many (if any) songs of the contemporary ambient genre, so naturally, I had to listen to what the voice was saying. I tried looking up the lyrics to this monologue, but they were nowhere to be found. It ended up being a really interesting - albeit confusing - monologue that addressed the creation process involved in ambient music, and some of the internal struggles that surface. From what I can gather, the person is talking about a fictitious album that he has yet to create, called Grief Point. Some concepts surrounding modes of listening, imagery, and production are abstractly addressed. Since I couldn’t find the script anywhere online, I decided to try and transcribe it the best I could. Some words are missing and I’m sure some are incorrect, but this was what I got from it. Enjoy “The Making of Grief Point” by Loscil:

“Six weeks into the making of Grief Point. First off is May Day, the song in honor of May 1st and the workers. Can you still be against a strike that only strikes for more pay? By ‘you,’ in this instance, I mean ‘me.’ There is a certain kind of person to whom things come with great facility. They say this is the noise that gets made as my life is lived. So be it. But don’t feel the need to record it. For a second I thought this meant that they weren’t interested in history, but that’s wrong. Wrong, wrong. A bad reading of the situation. The right reading is that I just don’t understand it. At all. Grief Point and May Day, by extension, suffers from the same old shit: a potential ignorance of ambience, REAL ambience, and that can you really construct every last bit of it and just let the listener feel its effects. And is this the right treatment? Always the same question. In this case, I would maybe say yes. Just because it forces form onto the thing. Thing is a bunch of words to melodies and the words sung in a handful of ways. Between J and D of course, the same old war rages; one into a tight and perfect digital palace, but super true to the genre. The other wanting to throw in actual sounds; mix it up, humanize. It’s cool how, for my part, the slight of hand, the trick at making something confounding and great and potentially drawn-up from air… all of this is no longer of any interest. In fact, even seeing things in this light depresses me. And so I often come home at night depressed by what we have done, what we are doing. It’s good, it means I’ve changed. I have lost interest in music. It is horrible. I should only make things I understand. I should only make things I know how to construct, however imperfect. It’s not even like dictating to someone. It’s less than that. May Day itself is pretty cool, I have to admit. It condemns the world at such an easy pace. I intend to tell …. is like happy shooting rockets and discussing the description of anything to be sure. I think the world does not like me grim. It likes me melancholic, but not miserable. English on the Mediterranean, which is, oddly enough, some of the worst people there is. At some point, when it is made, I will explain this record word-for-word; swear to God. … I know if that is good or bad, I’ll know what is good and what is bad. The answer to the making of Grief Point is picnic baskets filled with blood. Too rich, nothing at stake. If Blake had to write lyrics for his songs, they would be cumbersome, pale blocks like his riffs, but pale. So instead, he went out and found a wailer, too stupid to commit to a single thing. I assume not lighting up at the sight of your mother is a sign of madness in an infant. Pattena, no name for a baby… you were first born before they threw you from the bridge. Agna wrestles his dogs to the floor. Such a beautiful scene for some. … don’t perform them. The message from the critical reception of Dreams was quite clear: We will not be listening to you any further. Of course, intention is created; cosmonaut in a breadline, etc. I watched a pig devour the classics just to get to you. The barge endlessly circling, your mind finds out. It is done.”

Apr 23
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The Smell of Rain

I got in the car and just drove tonight. Saw all of the luxury homes of North Scottsdale; the endless twisty roads; the strategically-placed photo radar… Nothing is open late here. I wish there was a coffee shop of sorts to hang out at when I need to get away at night. I went into a Barnes & Noble and looked at the art/design/photo magazines. There was almost no one in there. The Starbucks inside was open. The girl behind the counter kept glancing over at me as I wandered awkwardly down the art-book aisle. She was probably just tired of counting the pastries behind the display glass, waiting for someone to order a drink. A latte sounded good, but I decided against the late-night caffeine buzz.

Where do people go in this town, when they have nothing to do, and no one to do it with? I wish I could open a 24-hour cafe around here; a cozy place with couches, fireplaces, coffee, etc… somewhere to go when bars don’t seem like much fun.

I drove with the window halfway down. Goldmund’s dampered piano pittered and pattered in place of the rain that was supposed to be falling. It smelled of rain. I love that smell. I always have.

I’m working on letting go and trying to get out of my head. I tried that tonight. Instinctively, I want to make something productive out of the process, but I’m worried that will negate the reason why I’m making the effort in the first place. I want to bring a camera along, but then I worry that I’ll focus too much on taking great photos, and not enough on enjoying the experience… I like these kinds of miniature adventures. I hope they will continue to develop. It would be nice to have someone to do it with… but people like that are hard to find. But that’s life… I’m just trying to figure out what it all means.

Apr 10
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Just Get in the Car

I’ve reached this frustrating point in my life where motivation and inspiration is hard to find. I’m not working toward anything. I go to work during the weekdays, come home and sit by myself or see some friends every now and then. It’s the same thing every day. I do one of the things I love for a job: design websites… but I often grow weary of the type of work I do. It feels like I’m redesigning the same website over and over again; websites for people who don’t actually use the internet, but still have an opinion about it. It’s uninspiring. It’s frustrating. I want to do something cool. I want to do something new. I want what I do to be noticed. I want to stand out. I want to explore life. I want to discover my potential.

I want all of these things, but I can’t find the will to get up and do them. Am I afraid that I’m going to fail? I know I “shouldn’t be afraid to fail.” I keep hearing intelligent and creative individuals saying it. But I am afraid to fail. How do I overcome that fear? I feel like I need to overcome it in order to really live life. There’s more to life than what I’m allowing myself to experience right now. I’m the only one holding myself back. I need to get past that.

All I want to do right now is drive somewhere else, simply to change my perspective from sitting on my couch in my apartment to something different. I want to drive, but all I can think about is making my destination worth driving to. Why should that matter?! Some of the best experiences happen by chance. I don’t leave anything up to chance. I never just “wing it.” I’m a complete control freak. Unless I know a likely outcome of a situation, I won’t bring myself to experience it. I hate that I am that way. I have tunnel-vision and, as much as I tell myself I shouldn’t, I can’t seem to change. I just sit; just like I am now. And I think about it. And worry about it. And write about it. Then, I forget about it. Where does that get me? Nowhere.

I haven’t hit my stride yet. Not here. And I’m not going to be at peace until I do.

Aug 12
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My temporary studio, as I wait for my desk to be delivered: dining room table.

My temporary studio, as I wait for my desk to be delivered: dining room table.

Jul 12
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Job “Experience”

For the past several weeks, I’ve been going through the extensive interview process for a few different companies in order to find a decent job as a web/graphic designer in the Phoenix metropolitan area. Several things bother me about this whole process, but the one thing that deeply irks me about the whole thing is these companies’ perception of what “job experience” actually is. I’ve become all too familiar with the “sorry-we-don’t-think-you-have-enough-job-experience-to-be-hired-for-this-position” line. I have a dual-major in a related field, 2 years of regular freelance experience, and ample part-time experience over the last 6 years, ALSO within the design field. I also have a full portfolio of work that I am proud of. Not enough experience? Hmm…

As a recent college graduate, I suppose I should expect to hear this line quite a bit. However, it seems to me that people place far too much importance on having job experience. I am capable of big things, but this ridiculous logistic revokes my chance to prove myself. I’ll tell you why this “job experience” logistic is so ridiculous.

What is “job experience”? Well, to most companies, it is defined as time spent working full-time for companies, in a position that is relevant to the field that you’re trying to pursue as a career.

Let’s soak that in for a moment. Job experience is TIME… But does time spent doing something necessarily make you better or more capable of doing the job? Does time directly affect skill? I don’t think so.

Let me tell you something: I’ve met and researched a lot of people who have over 10+ YEARS of experience in the design field and STILL have absolutely no clue how to distinguish a good design from a bad one. They’re STILL a poor-to-mediocre designer.

Now, I’m definitely not saying I’m the best designer out there, and I’m not saying that I know it all, because I obviously still - and will always have - a LOT to learn. But if there’s one thing I wish I could say to an employer who places make-or-break importance on an applicant having enough so-called “job experience,” it’s this: Does the applicant do good work? Will having him or her on your design team improve your reputation as a team that does quality work? If the answer is yes, forget about the formal logistics of “job experience” that likely isn’t correlated with the applicant’s skill and portfolio. Forget about that meaningless unwritten rule that the corporate hierarchy has instilled. Look at the work that this individual is capable of, and if none of your other applicants’ work is comparable, hire them for what you know their work is worth. In the end, that’s really all that matters anyway.

May 28
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Wait.. so you mean suicide is BAD?? I had no idea! (Thank you, Captain ..er.. Commander Obvious)

Wait.. so you mean suicide is BAD?? I had no idea! (Thank you, Captain ..er.. Commander Obvious)

May 10
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Right-Brainers Will Rule This Century

Song in My Head When I Woke Up: Angels with Enemies
Artist: Lovedrug

I woke up this morning and checked the usual social networking sites like I always do, along with my #1 news source: CNN.com. Today I found something in the headlines that was far more interesting than the usual economy scares, swine flu hysteria, and disasters both natural and purposeful. On the front page, under Popular News, an article caught my eye. It’s headline: “Why right-brainers will rule this century.” Naturally, I dove in. It was a bit off-putting to see that Oprah was the conductor of this interview and author of the article, but I read on anyway. The man being interviewed is author, Daniel Pink, discussing concepts that build the framework for his newly published book, “A Whole New Mind.” The premise of his book is that today’s world and the future’s world will cater more to right-brained thinkers than the traditional left-brained thinkers. That is, there is more room for creativity, inventiveness, and out-of-the-box thinking than analytical, numbers-based thinking. The interview also goes on to suggest that “right-brain aptitudes, when complemented with left-directed thinking, can result in a whole new mind.” This is absolutely VERBATIM what I have been saying about myself for years. It was unbelievably inspiring to hear this from another source. I truly believe that I am naturally a left-brained, hyperanalytical, numbers-based thinker. I can feel it inside and I have the genetic family history to back it up. However, since middle school, I have been developing a great passion for all things creative. I have always felt that I was fighting against my natural tendencies in order to think creatively. It has never come naturally to me. But that passion, combined with my 4-year higher education in a creative field, has essentially re-wired my brain to be able to switch back and fourth between straight-edged left-brained thinking and the inventive depths of the right-brain. My education has taught me how to be creative; how to think creatively; almost as if creativity has been reduced to an imperfect science. Lots of people would want to break my neck for saying such a thing, but I believe that, to an extent, I was taught the science of creativity… as opposite of poles that science and creativity seem to be on.

For years, I thought I might drive myself insane by developing a side of my brain that was so unnaturally used, in my case. But after reading this article - given, this is only one person’s point of view - I feel inspired as ever to pursue the direction that I’ve always wanted to pursue. It seems that Daniel Pink has hacked into my brainwaves and written a book from it. It is really great to hear that my thoughts haven’t been that far off-base over the years. Pink even mentions DESIGN as being “a right-brain ability that we should all develop.” Of course, a statement like that makes me a bit nervous to think of so many more people pursuing the design field, simply because there would be more competition and it would thus be harder for my own work to get noticed. But it is certainly enlightening to hear that my field is becoming recognized as a top career-choice of the future.

Link to the CNN.com article: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/worklife/05/07/o.Oprah.Interviews.Daniel.Pink/index.html

May 09
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Ramblings on a Saturday

Song in My Head When I Woke Up: Lower Your Eyelids to Die with the Sun
Artist: M83

I’ve decided to really try to write in this blog consistently. I’ve also decided that I’m going to start each post with the song that I’m singing in my head when I wake up. It’s an extremely odd phenomenon that I’ve lived with for as long as I can remember: every morning - without fail - I’ll wake up with a song in my head. The kicker is, usually it’s a song I haven’t heard in quite a long time; long enough that it’s strange to have it stuck in my head. This morning, I was singing the epic choral melodies during the climax of that M83 song. The last time I heard that song, I had my ex-girlfriend (we broke up almost a month ago) listen to it. For some reason, the song made her feel really strange inside. There was a specific sound effect that M83 uses that is a kind of high-pitched-descending-wail of a synth. She said it makes her feel like all is lost; that she is falling down an endless spiral. I thought it was very interesting. Personally, I really enjoy the effect and the song as a whole. I think that’s one thing that makes good music what it is: the emotional effect that it has on the person listening. I think that, when a song can have such a strong effect in the absence of vocals, it is really a beautiful thing and signifies a really great song.

M83 - Before the Dawn Heals Us

May 08
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The New Hawtness

FINALLY. I found the time neccesary to complete the redesign of my new portfolio site. It feels so great to have it done. I learned a lot throughout the tedious redesign process; worked through problems with jQuery, learned how to really make graphics “pop,” and learned about color profile differences between operating systems and browsers. Designing your own site for the work you’ve done throughout the years is quite a rewarding experience. I have a presence on the web now that I am proud of. It’s also very free. Contrasted with the deadlines and restrictive aesthetic requirements made by clients, working on a project for myself gives me total freedom of expression. I know who I am better than anyone else does, and now I get to communicate that.

Screenshot

I think this design process was, overall, a sucess. I actually surprised myself with how quickly I could finish the coding. I saw a marked improvement in my ability to efficiently code/structure websites. I’ve also been surprised at the amount of feedback I’ve received since I launched the site 3 nights ago. The feedback has been so positive and that has really boosted my confidence and motivation for design. I’ve also gotten some really valuable constructive criticism, which is nice. There were definitely some things I hadn’t thought about. Thank you to Adam Landrum of MERGE High-Performance Web Design for e-mailing me with some things I hadn’t thought about. The advice really helped. It’s really nice to hear feedback from people in the industry; people that have succeeded in the industry.

The next step for me is to start looking around at jobs in the Phoenix/Tempe/Scottsdale area. Daunting, but exciting. I get the feeling that, out of all the jobs available in the U.S. right now - which isn’t many - web jobs are among the most plentiful. I love Arizona, so I hope there will be an opportunity there. We’ll see. More later.

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Meditation Upon a Writer’s Block

Music has been at a standstill lately. Nothing I write seems to impress me the slightest bit, especially if it contains vocals/lyrics. I came up with a little theory regarding why I listen to the kind of music that I do, and why most of it is considered to be emotional music. It seems to me that the effects of emotions are augmented when they are unpredictable and uncontrollable. I think that’s one of the inherent beauties of emotions: most of the time, they arise without our will or consent. And for me, I tend to listen to music that confuses and overwhelms my consciousness. This seems to follow that structure. It comes down to a very interesting but frustrating paradox for me as a creator/writer of music though. Ideally, I would like to create something that I am proud of; something that I like and am affected by. But it seems that, in order to do that, I would have to create something that I do not understand. By which, I would have to essentially create something by mistake or chance (maybe I should start following in the footsteps of John Cage?), that does not have a deliberate foundation or substructure. Only then would I be able to say that I truly do not understand my own creation. Thus, my writer’s block.